


What Happens To The Heart

by MichaelMcM



Category: Shawn Mendes (Musician)
Genre: Anxiety, Cheating, Fighting, Kissing, Love, M/M, Sadness, True Love, break-ups, inner angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-22 11:56:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22563022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichaelMcM/pseuds/MichaelMcM
Summary: What happens to the heart when your world crashes and you're faced with your past. Shawn Mendes and Niall Horan have a fight leading to a standoff with and old love. Will it all break, will they all be able to move on.
Relationships: Shawn Mendes/Niall Horan, Shawn Mendes/Nick Jonas
Kudos: 10





	What Happens To The Heart

Shawn smiled brightly, it was beautiful, breathtaking actually. However it was a lie masking the complete breakdown that was occurring inside. His heart was racing, he couldn't quite piece together what Niall was saying now. His body was reacting to the last sentence Niall uttered "I think we need some time apart". Shawn kept repeating what Niall said over and over in his mind, all the while with that perfect smile etched on his face. He was still, frozen in place, the only thing that distinguished him from a marble statue was that smile.

It was a skill developed overtime. You could not tell that he was breaking right before your very eyes. Well, if you looked closely, studied him you could tell something was happening. His right thumb and forefinger were quietly rubbing together, a strategy he used to self soothe when he was stressed and his eyes were fixed, locked and barely blinking, but if you didnt know him then you couldn't really tell.

Niall knew though and after repeating Shawn's name several times he reached out for Shawn's arm to make sure he was okay. As soon as Niall touched him, thats when it happened, Shawn broke, tears escaped and ran down his cheeks and then something terrified shawn, a feeling welled up in him, something dark, visceral and what spewed forth was rage and it overtook all his senses.

He was unsure he had experienced this before. He had felt anger and frustration many times. But he was always able to maintain control. He was always in control, his music , his performances, his looks and his body. It was a neccessity as his life was often shadowed by sadness, anxiety and the feeling of nothingness. But Pop Stars are not suppose to have these feelings, they aren't supposed to feel like they aren't good enough. So he pushed them down, hid them away replaced by a focus on controlling all aspects of his life. He could control his body , he worked out like a machine. He could control his music his image . He had focus was focused, but now, at this moment it was all unravelling , coming apart, a gnawing pressure that he felt every day of his life , that he had managed to keep at bay, locked, hidden away was seeping out. He couldn't contain it and it burst forth like lava exploding out of his body.

His mind shut down and his instincts took over and without warning he focused on where Niall stood, his eyes narrowed , his smile vanished, the tears stopped and his gaze shifted to Nialls blue eyes and then with force and precision he pushed forward and with all the power of his 6'2 frame he clasped Niall by the throat and violently pushed him against the bedroom wall. The thud of Nialls body was loud and angry and a muffled groan escaped Nialls mouth. Staring intently into the eyes of his boyfriend Shawn felt his muscular hands squeezed at Nialls throat.

Niall looked shocked and confused, his mind couldn't work out what was happening. Shawn never displayed any violence toward him or anyone. Niall couldn't imagine shawn hurting anything most of all him. As his face began to reden from the lack of oxygen he made a garggled cry for air.

Thats when Shawn saw it, fear, in Nialls eyes, but it was fear of him, Niall was afraid of shawn and for the second time that night Shawn shattered and it felt like a punch to his gut, he felt his body shut down and he snapped back into reality and that control he has always cultivated resurfaced. Everything about him changed , his hands fell to his sides, his body slumped, his head dropped and his gaze remained downward. His chest began to feel tight, his hands trembled and those awful thoughts that often permeated his mind flooded in.

Niall remained against the wall, quiet except for his shallow breathing. Shawn didnt know what to do, his mind was racing and his head started to ache. He remained with his head hung, guilt and Shame overtook him. That's when he spoke, it was barely above a whisper not even audible unless you were standing next to him. Just two words escaped his lips " I'm Sorry" . Said in such a way that you could feel the pain in his soul. It was part of his daily venacular due to being Canadian, an over used phrase that meant many things but tonight, right now he was pleading for forgiveness.

Niall did not speak he couldn't he was in shock at what just happened and stared at Shawn. Shawn could feel Nialls eyes on him, judging him but he was too scared to look at him directly, he knew if he did he would be met with a look of hate. And Shawn couldn't survive that, Niall hating him.

Shawn was defeated his mind kept screaming, he was unsure how it got to this point but he needed to go, run, flee! So he quickly turned and walked out of Nialls bedroom, ran down the stairs and out the front door and into his Jeep. The california sun was setting but there was nothing beautiful about it or tonight , everything was wrong , he felt lost , he wanted out of this city, this country, he had always felt like a foreiner but now it was more than that he felt unwanted. Every sense told him to book a flight home to Toronto, it was his safe place, where he always went to recharge and breathe. However he pushed that out of his mind and needed to find someone , anybody that could help him.

He didn't know how he got here. Maybe it was instinct or maybe it was premeditated, shawn wasn't quite sure and he didnt really want to think about it. He stood in front of the familiar house briefly debating what the hell he was doing.

This was the only wedge Shawn and Niall had in their relationship. This one issue was discussed, argued over and put in the past and settled. Well, he thought it was in the past, but here he was at his front door. Shawns mind raced, so many emotions were indundating him, he couldn't think straight. His body started to react, it felt like it was on fire and then he thought of Niall saying those words again " I think we need some time apart". It didnt make sense, he and Niall were good together , good for each other. Why did Niall need a break. Sure they had issues like every couple but they were small. Shawn felt safe with Niall.

Then the guilt Shawn felt for being here was spat out replaced by anger and he knocked hard on the door. Just then his phone buzzed and he knew it was Niall. But shawn couldn't talk even though he ached for Niall something in him had changed irrevocably. So he hit the decline button.

Coming to his senses he realized it was silly knocking as the house was too big and his knocking would go unheard so he pressed the doorbell.

Shawn kept telling himself he didnt know why he came here, he tried to convince himself but he wasnt being honest, he knew. He wanted someone to hurt, wanted Niall to hurt like he was hurting. And being here at this house with this person would hurt Niall. It was the petty part of him, the part that could get dark and detached and uncaring. He fought so hard against these feelings, but they lived in him always ready to be accessed. And now he couldn't contain them, they twisted their way to the surface, and it disgusted him. It was another thing he kept hidden, under control. But it was now released and at this moment he wasnt entirely sure he cared.

Now standing in the doorway Shawn thought what if he wasnt home or in the country, even worse what if his wife was home. But he shook those thoughts out of his head and pressed the bell one more time and finally heard the unmistakable sounds of footsteps on the other side of the door

They were definitely the footsteps of the man he knew, had known, he memorized knew every detail of him and knew the gait of his walk.The footsteps stopped and then silence, Shawn knew he was now being watched , studied from the peep hole, he knew there was a debate raging in the mans mind on what he should do. And Shawn knew if he opened the door he would be alone as he would never want Shawn there if she was home.

Then the unmistakable clank and slide of Steele echoed, the lock disengaged and the door opened. Shawn looked at the dark haired man in the eyes , not knowing what to say. He hadn't seen him for over a year, well in person anyway , he's seen him on tv, heard his music over the radio and navigated events around LA so to avoid any unforeseen run-ins. But now he was standing in front of him with a deep want to be held, told everything would be alright. But Shawn knew it wouldn't be alright, this could only mean trouble for everyone, but Shawn didnt care , he wanted the world to hurt. He laughed at that thought , Shawn Mendes the polite cover boy of kindness having angry thoughts raging through his body wanting to make the word pay.

Another thought crept in, would he even talk to him.Their last meeting left wounds and things unsaid. And Shawn thought it best for everyone's sanity to make a clean break. But like all good intentions life has a way of fucking you when your at your lowest point.

Just then Shawn watched the familiar face he studied on countless nights open his mouth, he looked unassured but asked "Shawn, are you ok, you look ...umm you dont look ..." he didnt finish his sentence as the man realised Shawn was standing their with hurt emanating from every pore in his body, Instinctively, he opened his arms and shawn fell forward into Nick Jonas 

Nick escorted Shawn inside to the living room. Shawn slumped into the oversized sofa and for the first time felt small, insignificant. The sofa enveloped him. Nick moved back and sat opposite him, keeping distance.

" Do you need anything " escaped Nicks mouth not knowing exactly what else to say, but knowing his heart may not survive this reunion. Shawn shook his head. Nick's mind was racing, trying to piece together something else to say, something that wouldn't give away his breaking heart. Finally out of polietness he asked shawn if he would like a drink of water , shawn gently nodded and said "no thank you" but it sounded distant, unnatural almost too formal for someone he's known since he was 15 .The tension between them was rising and Shawn didnt know how to make it better and Nick seemed unsure how to navigate it or even if he wanted too. Suddenly Shawn asked if maybe he could have a " a rye and ginger" mostly to quell the silence but also to take the edge off.

Nick let out a quiet breath and then in unison his head nodded and his mouth said "sure" . He moved from where he was sitting walked over to the cabinet in the corner and made each a very strong drink.

Shawn watched Nick, studied him as he poured the Rye into the glass, the muscled curve of his back and the bulk of his arms were on full display. He always dressed to show off his body, his need for attention on full display, maybe shawn thought to hide his insecurity of his height. Shawn swallowed loudly as it stirred something in him, memories probably. He hoped Nick did not hear the sound. His mind was buzzing, shawn was trying to build up the courage , to do what, he was unsure.

Nick then turned back and met Shawns eyes and walked toward him and handed him the glass with a tentative smile on his face .They're eyes remained locked longer than was decent . Shawn then broke the gaze and with a quick flick of his wrist downed the entirety of the highball, no emotion registered on his face. His body didn't acknowledge that he had just consumed a large quantity of alcohol and Nick looked on confused not sure what was happening.

Coming to his senses Nick realised he was staring and he could feel desire stir in himself and needing to quell these feelings he stiffened his body, protecting it from Shawn's spell. He needed to defend himself from his own wants. With and an attempt to take back control he asked more authoritatively "why are you here Mendes ".

Shawn could feel the tension in Nick and studied him remembering he only spoke his last name when he was angry and looking for a fight. It was how he would goad shawn, to try and make him take the bait.

But shawn had his way of diffusing tense situations. He relaxed his body, raised his brow and a faint smile swept across his face. Shawn wasnt quite exactly sure what he planned to do but he wanted to feel better. And he knew how to disarm Nick, he knew Nick could never resist him, he knew it from the very first time they met. Nick could never hide his desire for Shawn and everyone knew it. Shawn sat there silently, raging a debate in his mind. After about 10 seconds of tapping his finger on the arm rest he decided his plan of action. He sat still and then began the show. He slowly started to unbutton his shirt, then he cockily rose and started to walk toward Nick with half his chest bared. Nick instantly bit his lip. Shawn saw it immediately, the desire in the other boys eyes. Shawn smirked and then the " Star " in shawn emerged. Shawn knew he was beautiful, he knew his body was envied and he used it all to his full advantage. Shawn could see Nick was struggling now with temptation. Shawn actually knew it the second Nick used Shawn's last name .

Now he was standing inches away from Nick, invading his personal space, towering over him. They were now far too close to be considered friends. The tension was building and Shawn could see the doubt displayed on Nick's face but Nick remained still, immovable, meeting Shawns obvious challenge.

Nick's mind was all a jumble but he wouldn't give Shawn the satisfaction of him moving away first. It had always been like this, daring each to break first. But tonight Nick wasnt in the mood , he was silently falling apart but he'd never let Shawn know. Not after their last meeting when everything crashed. It had all gone too far, they taunted each other, said things, awful things that couldn't be unsaid. But Shawn wouldn't make him feel like that now, even if he knew Shawn was hurting , because truth be told he was hurting just as much and it was all because of Shawn. He was left in pieces when they broke up. There were times he barely could get through the day. And now it all came flooding back.

"what do you want ?" Nick breathed out , but this time he whispered it low and tinged with desire. Shawn could see his breathing become unsteady and Shawn closed the space between them, their breathing was in sync but laboured and Shawn could tell Nick's heart was racing as he saw pink spread across his face and it made Shawn feel powerful, like he had control for the first time today. That feeling was euphoric and thats when Shawn looked at Nick's mouth and said "you know what I want " . " umm" was all Nick.could get out before Shawn grabbed him and crashed his lips against Nick's and kissed him deep and forcefully. The glass Nick was holding hit the floor which freed his hands to move over Shawn's sculpted body.

Nick was dazed and couldn't think properly, his body betrayed him and all he could do was return the kiss, out of instinct or hate, he wasnt sure. He hated that this kid could with one look make him feel everything all over again. He wanted to hate him, he wanted to resist and he tried, he really did but the taste of Shawn's mouth, the feel of his body the smell of his hair brought it all rushing back. And that's when Nick felt tears running down his face and it burned and something in him snapped and with anger he pushed shawn off. They both stood there breathing hard staring at each other, not speaking. It was a reminder of the emotional rollercoaster that was them, the good and the bad.

" Fuck you " Nick hissed. Shawn just smirked knowing he had thrown Nick off and again pushed forward into Nick's mouth and forced himself on him , they hit into the wall of the well appointed living room. His tall muscled body pressed tighter against the other man and the heat generated was electric. They moaned into each other, and they're hands ripped and tore at each other. Shawn slowly withdrew from the kiss and holding Nick's head in his hands and with the need to cause more damage looked deep into Nick's eyes and with the slight hint of joy asked " How is your wife doing" .

Nick was jolted out of the delerium of having the younger boy wrapped around him. He felt like he was punched in the face, he was unprepared for this shot and then the guilt overtook him. What was he doing , he respected his wife , loved her , not in love but had great affection for her.

He freed himself from Shawn's grasp and knew without hesitation the game shawn was playing and it hit him hard. He knew Shawn wanted to make him feel all his decisions were wrong, he was wrong and that only Shawn could fill that need he had deep inside. He knew Shawn was forcing him to revisit "them".

Nicks mind was spinning, he backed further away from shawn and coming to his senses, bowed his head in shame and quietly said " Priyanka is India".

Shawn regretted it the minute it escaped his lips. He didnt want to hurt Nick or priyanka or Niall. He wanted to destroy himself, but his self hate only left a path of destruction outward . He saw the look in Nick's eyes , and he realised had caused that , he was drowning .

Nick burned with contempt for Shawn knowing it was his way of hurting him. But Nick still couldn't understand why Shawn would want to hurt him now. But reality was restored, he was married and other people were now being pulled into this mess , this continuing drama that never seemed to have an end .

Nick's lips were swollen and red and his shirt was half unbuttoned exposing his defined chest. Shawn's hair was disheveled his curls falling in all directions . Nick could see the outline of his erection under his Jean's and desire raged in him and it pained him that he was so weak when it came to Shawn. Then the words " Niall broke up with me " fell quietly from Shawns mouth and he lowered his head.

And both men stood there hurting and trying their best to hold onto something, anything that made sense of how they ended up like this. The hurt pressed down on them like a weight, they stared at each other not knowing how to make the mess of this evening and their lives better.

Nick broke the silence and pleadingly asked "Why come here, why to me.... you told me you never wanted to see me again and to forget you , you never answered my calls or texts and it .... it ended me ".

shawn looked at Nick and now fully realised the devastation he was causing and it made him nauseated. He was better than this. His head was being hit with every emotion he hated about himself. He couldn't control it. He struggled to reconcile the person he wanted to be and the person he was at this moment. He knew no one was perfect but he tried to always be what everybody wanted, the perfect son, partner , role model but he failed again. He tried to stop loving Nick , He focused on Niall , his family, his career but he knew it would always come back to Nick, to them.

"I didnt know what else to do" came out of Shawn's mouth and he sounded defeated "I thought I..I could see you , talk to you, and it would be ok , maybe we could be friends, but we werent made to be friends" They locked eyes again and it all came rushing back, their need for each other, like oxygen, they didnt know how to live with out the other. It had been that way since they met, it was like a chemical reaction. Thats why Nick could never truly release Shawn from his mind and that's why Shawn came here, his body needed to find Nick, he needed to come home.

"No, we were meant to " Nick breathed but the sentence trailed off and he didnt finish the sentiment. Sorrow enveloped them and the room echoed with silence. It hit them, realising how much time they wasted, hating, mourning, pushing each other away, but they couldn't contain they way they felt now, they loved each other, needed each other and not knowing how they got to this point.

Shawn realised everything wrong with his and Nialls relationship was because of him, he couldn't give Niall all of himself, not when it was Nick he had in his dreams.

But after the devastation of their end Shawn found Niall and he felt safe , he thought he could expel Nick. He needed Niall becuase Niall was the polar opposite of Nick. Niall is stable, Niall is unfailingly good and he would never hurt Shawn and Niall loved him.

Nick is complicated, like Shawn , he can be moody, selfish and that need for control was always a point of contention. But now, He knows that Nick is his missing piece, nothing fits or works without him.

Nick remembered back to when they finally broke. He needed to take control of his life, of something and married Priyanka, pushing down any thoughts of Shawn , burying him, exorcising from every aspect of his life. But it didn't work, the times when Nick was alone with his thoughts Shawn crept in and stayed there, when Nick drank , conversations replayed over and over in his head. He would constantly read old texts and there were times he showed up to events where Shawn was and would just watch hidden from view , he didnt known how to get the boy out of his mind and it was slowly driving him mad.

And now they were standing in front of each other as if time and history hadn't ravaged what they had. Everything was poring out , unable to be contained now. They knew it, everything they felt for one another, that was kept hidden only for themselves broke free and it was in the open. They fell into each other and held on hoping against hope that time would stand still. But like everything else time was against them.

The sun broke through the expensive drapes onto Shawn's face. A quiet moan escaped his mouth and his eyes slowly opened to see Nick laying beside him, beautiful and vulnerable. Shawn could feel the heat from his body as it was pressed up to his, a perfect fit , they were naked and spent. The night had been filled with emotion and passion. Shawn knew he should be guilty for what he did, what he made Nick do but looking at Nick's sleeping face, only love existed and it hurt how much he loved him. Nick started to move and he opened his eyes, he met Shawn's gaze and he let out tiny brearh and then smiled. 

"I thought it was all a dream " Nick said but you're here". Shawn moved closer and intertwined their legs and laid his head on Nick's chest . " I ...I dont think I could survive losing you again". Shawn whispered. Knowing that it was the truth . They laid there with their naked bodies pressed against each other, until Nick began to move. He pushed himself up and his back rested on the headboard, running his hand through his short hair and intently looked at shawn, who had now moved bedside him and a small furrow formed on his face. Nick was thinking and Shawn could tell he was going over everything in his mind. Shawn knew there were conversations that needed to be had, Relationships needed to be mended, hearts would be broken but right now he was happy and he turned to Nick with emotion staining his eyes asking " Let me have this moment, love me, like you used too " Nick turned and tenderly wrapping his strong arms around Shawns broad shoulders and quietly and with heartbreak in his voice whispered "Dont you get it , it's always been you" . As heartbreak stained Shawn's face , he turned to kiss the side of Nicks face and then gently pressed his lips to Nick's ear and said " i know , it'll always be you ".


End file.
